Laugh or cry...

Enyo - 1-10-2009 at 10:45 PM

SO with everyone having rough times, maybe we could share some funnies?

I'll go first.

Little Johnny comes to his dad one evening and asks

"Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

Dad is a little taken aback, but replies

"Before or after sex?"

So Johnny looks confused but answers

"Before"

Dad says " Like a rose.. the most beautiful rose you've ever seen."

So Johnny asks "and after?"

Dad chuckles and says.......

"Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

:shocked2:

Discipline - 1-11-2009 at 12:48 PM

That's awesome.

What is the biker way of foreplay?

"Brace yerself bitch."

Enyo - 1-11-2009 at 12:58 PM

Hahahaha!

People always tell me dirty jokes, so I have tons.

What does a 9 volt battery and a asshole have in common?

You're not supposed to put your tongue on them. Ba dump bump. :lol:

Okay one more...

So, I called in sick to work yesterday and my boss says " you don't sound sick to me."
So I say " I'm fucking my sister, that doesn't sound sick to you?"

JawnDiablo - 1-11-2009 at 01:46 PM

whats the diffewrence between fucking a girl with arms and fucking a girl with no arms?

if yer fuckin a girl with no arms and you pop out, you have to put it back in yourself

XHonusWagnerX - 1-11-2009 at 01:52 PM

The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?' George say-um, 'Cannot tell lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.' Now I ask-um you again...you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The Chief grabs the kid and beats the crap out of him.
The young brave says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth...why you beat-um crap out of me?"
The Chief says, "George Washington's father not in cherry tree when George chop-um down."

A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

A duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No, we haven’t got any grapes."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I’m telling you we haven’t got any grapes. You walk in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the 7-11.
He says, "Do you have any nails?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck says, "Good. Have you got any grapes?"

Two priests are standing at a urinal. The first one looks down and sees a Nicoderm patch on the other one's dick.
He says, "You're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not on your penis."
The second one says, "Well, it's working. I'm down to two butts a day."

There's a rabbit walking through the woods, and he comes upon a deer, and the deer's rolling a joint.
The rabbit says, "Hey, deer, I love you, man, don't smoke that stuff. Enjoy life with me and come through the woods."
So the deer follows. They're walking through the woods and they see a skunk cutting up some cocaine.
The rabbit says, "Hey, skunk, I love you, bro, don't do that cocaine. Enjoy life with us and come through the woods."
So he follows the deer and the rabbit. They walk up on a bear, and he's fixing up a rig of heroin, about to shoot up some heroin.
The rabbit says, "Bear, man, don't do that, bro, I love you, man..."
The bear slaps the shit out of the rabbit and he goes flying through the woods.
The skunk and the deer go, "What the hell'd you do that for?"
The bear says, "Every time that little fucker eats ecstasy, he comes around here telling me how much he loves me."

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chile."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his fork hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

SS76 - 1-11-2009 at 03:41 PM

How can you tell when a girl is having an orgasm?
Who cares.

Furly - 1-11-2009 at 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by XHonusWagnerX

A guy goes into a luncheonette and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chile."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his fork hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

That's great!

I only tell one joke....

Why did God create yeast infections?

So woman can see what it's like to live with a miserable cunt.

XnMeX - 1-11-2009 at 06:15 PM

Whats the difference between Jam and Jelly?

You can't "Jelly" your cock into a grils ass.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag?

It would be wrong to piss on the American flag.

Why did god send Terry Shaivo to hell?

For the sin of Sloth.

XHonusWagnerX - 1-11-2009 at 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by XnMeX

What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag?

It would be wrong to piss on the American flag.

Thats FUNNY!!

Enyo - 1-11-2009 at 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by XHonusWagnerX

Quote:

Originally posted by XnMeX

What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag?

It would be wrong to piss on the American flag.

Thats FUNNY!!

REALLY REALLY funny!! :smilegrin:

XnMeX - 1-11-2009 at 08:13 PM

It's from a very odd comedian named Neil Hamburger.

XHonusWagnerX - 1-11-2009 at 08:28 PM

mine came from Jacie the Jokeman

SS76 - 1-11-2009 at 08:53 PM

neil hamburger was the opening act when I saw Tenacious D.

JawnDiablo - 1-12-2009 at 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by XHonusWagnerX
mine came from Jacie the Jokeman

love that guy
my dumb joke was his as well.