random - 9-5-2009 at 12:51 PM
saw a reference to this band earlier and had to hunt down this old review, which is actually a review of two albums. from the old Gang Up zine...
Johnny Gerriwelt and the Fucking Bastards: Street Punk Rockers & S/T
[Bronco Bullfrog, 2003]
Johnny G: OK guys, its time to stop dicking around. We need to get a band started. First we need to think of a name.
Fucking Bastard #1: How about The No Talents ?
Fucking Bastard #2: Or The THEs ? Punk bands like to have "the" in the name so we can't go wrong with that.
Johnny G: First, we're not starting a punk band, we're starting a streetpunk band. Big difference. Second, what we need is to rip of another band's
name that is already well known so when people see our record they feel like they've heard of us before. Now, who's popular?
Fucking Bastard #3: Rancid . We could call ourselves Putrid or maybe Awful . They're both synonyms.
Johnny G: Both those names suck. But you're on the right track. Lars Fredrikson is in Rancid and he has a band. Let's rip off their name. Johnny
Geriwelt and the Bastards . Wait...the fucking bastards.
Fucking Bastard #2: Awesome! Sounds sort of tough and snotty.
Johnny G: Now we've got a name, so I guess we need to write some songs. Let's start with the lyrics. I was thinking, since we're Streetpunk Rockers
now we could write a song about that.
Fucking Bastard #1: What would the words be?
Johnny G: Let's see...."streetpunk rockers"....I guess that'll do for the whole song. Just repeat that and throw in a few cliches here and there about
leather, boots, and rebellion.
Fucking Bastard #2: Cool, our first song! We should start writing the music now. I'll tune up my bass...
Johnny G: No need to. I read in a George Marshall book that streetpunk bands are better when they're 'grittier'. Not tuning your bass will make it
seem like we're really from the street and don't know any better.
Fucking Bastard #3: Instead of just being lazy. Man, being a streetpunk rocker is easy!
Johnny G: Sure is. Now for the rest of the music; the guitars should be really fuzzy, almost to the point you can't hear them and...
Fucking Bastard #1: Oh yea, I meant to tell you Johnny, I can't play guitar.
Johnny G: Haven't you been listening? It doesn't matter. It'll all add to the gritty streetpunk feel if we are completely ill equipped to play in a
band. Don't worry about, we'll just cover up the guitar by turning the drums way high in the mix.
Fucking Bastard #3: That doesn't mean I have to know the first thing about playing drums in time does it?
Johnny G: Hell no. Actually, I think it'd be pretty streetpunk of you to lose time during some of your fills. Now for this song, and all our songs, I
want to put a cap on the chords we can play. The limit is 5.
Fucking Bastard #1: 5 chords in a song?! I can't pull that off Johnny.
Johnny G: No, 5 chords to use interchangeably throughout all our songs. And for the solos, don't play more than 4 individual notes. Just repeat them
all over and over again. We'll throw a ton of reverb on it and it'll sound great.
Fucking Bastard #2: I don't get it Johnny, if we have no talent and poorly written songs then how are we ever going to get music released?
Johnny G: Simple, we go into the city and take some wanna-be-tough-guy pictures in front of a brick wall, remind everybody of how streetpunk we are in
every song, vaguely mention populist politics a few times (*whispers* but we don't want to get too specific because we might alienate someone and
streetpunk rockers like us are all about being liked by everybody), and use eagles and iron crosses in our artwork. See, this way we hit on just about
everything so there's something for everybody to like. We're bound to get a record deal.
Fucking Bastard #2: Gee Johnny you sure are smart. Where'd you learn all about streetpunk?
Johnny G: I read a lot of MRR. Now, the last thing a band of real streetpunk rockers needs for their album is a great layout. We'll have a lot of
pictures from us in the studio, and practicing, and...
Fucking Bastard #3: Can we throw in some pictures of my mom video taping us at our poorly attended shows?
Johnny G: Absolutely. Also there has to be at least 3 pictures of me simultaneously wearing braces, a belt, a One Way System shirt, and multiple
spiked wristbands. That'll send our streetpunk points through the roof!
Fucking Bastard #1: Hey Johnny, as long as we're making this record let's make another one too. Same formula, same songs, just different titles.
Johnny G: Great idea. Having 2 CDs will make everyone think we're a real band that's been around for a while and has a wealth of worthwhile material.
Look out world, here we come.
~Adam Gonsalves
Discipline - 9-5-2009 at 04:20 PM
That rules!
JawnDiablo - 9-5-2009 at 10:00 PM
this is a real pisser nice.
its the job i want
mocking the absurd.