What do I do?

XnMeX - 9-20-2005 at 02:52 PM

Ok, I know this board has cool people but even on the coolest boards I have had people respond with bs when I post personal matters, so I am asking right now, that if you don't want to try and help me, please don't respond.

I'm not a fan of talking about personal shit online, but I have NO idea how to handle this situation. Ok, little story bout me. I am jobless. I had a job working 8 hours on the weekends cleanign bathrooms. I am currently loking for a job (not very hard) and live with my mom and GF. My gf pays for cable and internet and other than that my mom "pays" for everything. My mom does not complain to me about getting a job. She used to, and when I had a job I would pitch in with bills, but she hasn't been hounding me to get one in a while. Well, thats the backbone, here's the problem.

My mom, a few years back, had a scratch ticket adiction of sorts (thought she would NEVER admit it was a problem). We notied the ammount of tickets and were gonna say somthing but I figured I had no room to say anything since she supports me, so she can spend her extra cash how she see's fit. Our bills started pileing up and our rent was WAY behind. EVERYTHING was very late / behind / or not getting paid. We lost cable, phone, and internet. We were not able to even buy heating oil on time durring the winter. I started noticing all the tickets in our trash. Well, my birthday came buy and she didn't buy me a present which has NEVER happened. I don't care about not getting anything, just the fact that it has never happened and she just ignored it. I held in my frustration and for the next week I collected all the tickets she threw away in the trash (did not count the NUMEROUD tickets I am sure she was buying elsewhere and scratching). From one weeks worth of trash there was $170.00+ worth of tickets in the trash (AKA, our bill money). I confronted her about it, she gave an aditude of "It's my money, I can use it how I want" then I mentioned the birthday present and she broke down in tears, said she was sorry, and she needs to stop doing this. Well, we worked a deal out with her buying $15.00 worth of tickets a week and that seemed fine. Amazingly, our bills started to get caught up, our rent wasn't behind, etc..... *jump ahead 2 1/2 years to today*

Me and Lori (my GF) have noticed the bills pileing up agains, we are behind on rent, and today there was an odd letter in the mail for my mom from "tri city plaza" which is all stores and whatnot, so I wonder why the hell my mom would get a letter from there (having a slight idea of what it could be). And what was it? A letter from a Pay Day loan place about a $600.00 payday loan she took out.

So, it seems like it is happening again. Right now she has been on medical leave for a burst appendix so I don't see how she plans on paying this $600.00 back. This is just building up again and I don't want it to build to the point it did last time. Problem is, last time she was in denial even with all the evidence we had (piles of tickets) but this time, I have NO proof of ANYTHING going on other than our growing debts. I feel bad as it is because she IS supporting me. But, I also don't want the 3 of us ending up on the streets due to her addiction as it is. And even when I DO get a job, I won't fell 100% confortable pitching in with bills, cuz I will be thinking that (lets say) my $100 a week towards bills, could be going to more tickets. I have no clue as how to attack this situation and I am damn sure it shouldn't be left alone.

FUCK.

CR83 - 9-20-2005 at 02:55 PM

Sometimes tough love is the answer. Tell her straight up how you feel. I really recommend hoping on the job search wagon though. Are you trained to do anything? I'm a recruiter, send me a U2U with your personal e-mail and I can provide you with some job hunting advice.

XnMeX - 9-20-2005 at 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ChrisReed83
Sometimes tough love is the answer. Tell her straight up how you feel.

I think she will straight up deny it, making me feel like and ass since I have no SOLID evidence other that wondering where her money is dissapearing to. I used to think she told me the truth at all times, but the day I proved she lied to my face, I lost alot of respect for her.

One possible thing I thought of was to get a job and me and my GF move out on our own. But I think that would have a VERY negative effect on her and things would just get worse. I am hoping she has her problem under control before we leave.

BDx13 - 9-20-2005 at 04:03 PM

check out http://www.gamblersanonymous.org and http://www.gam-anon.org
i think the first site is more for the actual gambler, while the second also deals with help for family members.
more on this later.

XnMeX - 9-20-2005 at 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BIG DUANE
the second also deals with help for family members.

I read down the list to determine weather your family member might be a compulsive gambler and my mom was about 75% of em. I just know she is gonna deny till she is blue in the face. and being without a "smoking gun" puts me in a tough position.

godabandonedme - 9-20-2005 at 04:20 PM

Your mom's a grown woman and has to take responsibility for her actions, no matter how much they suck. She can't go through life letting other people bail her out everytime she gets in a jam. Whether it is a legitiment problem or disease or whatever I can't say, but everyone has to grow up at a certain point and take care of their shit. If she's going to do it she's going to do it whether you like it or not, she has to learn unfortunatly the hard way that she has to set limits for herself. And if the hard way is having the electricity turned off or the phone shut off, then that's just the way it is. What good does it do to bitch at her about it but continue to support her by giving her money or paying her share of the bills? I don't know your personal situation, but get a job.

crazyfists28 - 9-20-2005 at 04:32 PM

im very non confrontational with most people..especially family. i tend to let it fester until i blow up and it makes things ten times worse. not sure how easy it is to communicate with her, but is it possible to sit down and show her how things are starting to pile up and see how she responds. whether she says it'll get taken care of or if she blows it off. i dont know, but the longer you let it go on, the more it will affect your life and as crappy as it is, you don't need to be brought down by what your mother is doing. tough situation though considering you're at home. good luck

XnMeX - 9-20-2005 at 04:45 PM

I knew people would come with "Get a job" but that would really not make a difference. Ok, I start paying bills.... she is NOT gonna correct her problem, if anything, it will get worse since I'd be paying some bills, she would probably waste what she would normally be paying bills with. It's a fucked situation. I want to help her, but it doesn't seem like she wants the help. I don't want the "reality check" she gets to be us on the streets. If it got to that point, I would have no choice but to get a job, and have me and my GF move on our own. Which I do not want to leave my mom in that situation but if it gets to a point where things are getting shut off again, maybe it'll help with us moving out for her to realise it.

godabandonedme - 9-20-2005 at 04:45 PM

The smoking gun in this case would be be the electric getting cut off. There obviously hasn't been any serious consequences to what she's been doing but the bills piling up. And that's not a big deal really, as an adult I'm sure she's seen them pile up for alot of other reasons then her causing it to happen. Basically, nothing really that bad has happened to your mom because of her problem (at least not from what I've read) and any addict will tell you that hey if it's not really affecting anything in a negative way, then it's not really a problem at all! If you can't see it it doesn't exist! Get a job an move out.

moron - 9-20-2005 at 05:02 PM

It sounds like you almost had her the first time around. From what I read you confronted her about the tickets and she agreed to only spend so much money on them per week. That's not a bad deal to start with, but it obviously didnt work. Bottom line is that she's got to quit. Just approach her like you did last time with evidence..... tickets in the garbage is definitely a smoking gun..... and remind her how it's affecting her and how it's affecting you. Then suggest a support group or some therapy. Im sure that one or both of Duane's links will be helpful. It sounds like you really helped her last time, but addictions are tough to fight by yourself. Groups or therapy could help a great deal. I dont think the tough love tactic should be pulled out just yet.

Anyway, good luck.

XnMeX - 9-20-2005 at 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by moron
It sounds like you almost had her the first time around. From what I read you confronted her about the tickets and she agreed to only spend so much money on them per week. That's not a bad deal to start with, but it obviously didnt work. Bottom line is that she's got to quit. Just approach her like you did last time with evidence..... tickets in the garbage is definitely a smoking gun..... and remind her how it's affecting her and how it's affecting you. Then suggest a support group or some therapy. Im sure that one or both of Duane's links will be helpful. It sounds like you really helped her last time, but addictions are tough to fight by yourself. Groups or therapy could help a great deal. I dont think the tough love tactic should be pulled out just yet.

Anyway, good luck.

It did work last time for a bit, but the problem is I don't have the smoking gun this time around. She has started to do them while she is out at stores, in the car, etc... Anywhere but home. So, without proof, she will DEFFINELTY not admit to her problem. She swears that she is only doing $15.00 a week, but the way the bills are with how much she makes, the money is deffinetly going somewhere else. All the bills are way too far behind when they shouldn't be since she makes alot more than enough for all expenses plus a good amount of money left over.

XHonusWagnerX - 9-21-2005 at 08:15 AM

Is there a way to kind of follow here for a day or something to see when/where/if she is getting the tickets?

I definitly see what your talking about how getting a job and paying bills may not help, but maybe you could get a job and move, BUT still stay in close contact with her. Tell her how you feel and explain why you feel like you need to move. If she denies it then theres not much you can do, but if it is true it will give her alot to think about.

The whole thing really sucks, and I dont have much else to share. sorry!