Thorp and Sailor's Grave Board

my mind is racing...

XHonusWagnerX - 4-11-2006 at 08:50 AM

I really dont knwo why I typed this all out here, but I figure I may as well post it. Its not a "Cry for help" its just whats going on in my head. I REALLY appreciate all the nice messages you guys have sent asking how I'm doing and stuff over the last couple of months. Things are just sucking and today they are sucking REALLY REALLY BAD!!


yah so I'm at the point where I feel like I have so many problems I dont even know what to do. I'm tired of whining and complaining about stuff because I'm sure from the outside it looks like I should just shut up and DO something about the 'problems', but the thing is that I have been doing things, but nothing seems to work. I've given in and done some stuff that that I have always been pretty against like going to a therapist and taking meds. I've tried 4 or 5 differant meds and been going to a psychologist for over a year now and I think maybe I'm worse if anything. I goto work everyday, but only because I'm so insanely neroutic about money that if I dont get a full paycheck I freek out even more. My depression and general disgust has effected pretty much every other aspect of my life.

My main problems are...

#1 work:
I just hate working. I'm not lazy! I always do the best I can at a job and I go above and beyond whatever my job is supose to be. I don't miss much time and I work extra hours (for the overtime money) every week. Its just that after a few years of working I have HATED every job that I have ever had. I went to college and got an associates degree in Liberal Arts, but I only went to college because my parents said "College or work. Pick one!" and I didn't want to work so I went to school. I really have no inrerest in much of anything. When I have a day off from work I dont sleep all day or lay around. I just do whatever I feel like doing. Its the structure of a job and dealing with people who are just stupid that I hate and cant deal with. I make good money at this job, but I would quit in a heartbeat if I could get a job that I thought I would like. Unfortunantly I have NO CLUE what job I wouldnt hate after a year and why leave a job that pays well to take a chance and make less.

#2 family:
My family is great in some ways and just sucks in others. My dad is ok and we get along, but he just doesnt look at the world the same way that I do (Does anyone?) so even though I see him everyday (he works at the same place as I do) and on the weekends we dont talk about much of anything of any substance. He can really only show emotions or have a serious conversation after about 9 beers. My mom lives in a high-rise building for elderly people and disabled people. She has Bi-Polar as well as some issues with her spine and she can barely walk or do much for herself. She lives alone, but my grandmother basicly does everything for her. She picks her up for doctors apointments and to go shopping or anything really. My mom has a car that she pay the insurance on and she has driven it about 5 times in the last 3 years. So she makes about $550 a month on disability yet still wastes money! I havent actually talked to my mom in about 7 months becuse her Bi-Polar has caused her to just be so damn mean to me so many times that I said enough is enough and I just walked away. I still hear about EVERYTHING she does because I talk to my grandmother very often and my grandmother has nothing in her life except for taking care of my mom. So I hear about how my mom was mean to her or told her off or was crying because I dont talk to her or how she fell and hurt herself because her legs wont hold her up and so on and so on and so on. My other grandparents are ok but they just come from such a differant generation that they cant understand me hating my job. They say I should be happy to even have a job and I should be thankful for the stuff I have. I AM thankful for the stuff I have, but the negatives are just so huge that it makes everything really hard to deal with.

#3 relationships:
EDITED: I took this stuff out because even though everyone here is really cool and friendly its still kind of private stuff. it was also really long! I also didnt want to mention people that might not want to be mentioned and all that stuff.


Im honestly wishing more than ever that I was dead. I cant imagine any sort of 'afterlife' being any worse than this. Even if I was 'condemed to do it all again' how could I fuck it up that bad again!? At the very least I wish I was like 80 years old. Life would basicly be over and there would be no point to contemplating anything. Choices would have already been made and mistakes would have been long forgotten.

Ok... now the million dollar question.... Why did I just type all this? Im probably going to post it as a blog, but I will make it a private one that only I can see and whats the point of that. Its not like I want to re-read all this shit and it annoys me when other people have 'private blogs' Get a notebook asshole! Dont take up my bandwith with you whining!


RomanticViolence - 4-11-2006 at 10:51 AM


Discipline - 4-11-2006 at 11:36 AM

I can relate to you in many ways and feel the same way most of the time.

You wanna know what keeps me alive? Hate. Pure and simple. There are some people I am determined to outlive.

Kid Ugly - 4-21-2006 at 07:35 PM

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

And Discipline, this is one of the best things I've ever heard/read:

Originally posted by Discipline
You wanna know what keeps me alive? Hate. Pure and simple. There are some people I am determined to outlive.

And I know you're being am I.

Discipline - 4-22-2006 at 01:51 AM

It's true. I wanted to kill myself years ago, but my parents lost one child to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) and have never gotten over it. My goal in life became to make myself happy no matter what and to outlive certain bastards who need to die. I am the last person who will tell somebody to avoid suicide. I live simply out of respect for my parents, and to outlive some motherfuckers who need to get shanked.