XHonusWagnerX - 11-6-2007 at 05:09 PM
Shopping Cart Theft Cripples America
There are certain new stories you just assume you'll never actually see outside of a jokey fake news headline. I'd give you some examples, but,
honestly, I don't feel like going to the trouble. Feel free to come up with your own, though, it's lots of fun. Prior to today, "Agents Bust
Blackmarket Shopping Cart Ring," would've been near the middle of that hypothetical list. It isn't a particularly funny example. Not outrageous or
unbelievable, just... weird.
U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers, using X-ray technology at the Port of Miami, recovered 30 stolen Home Depot shopping carts, worth
approximately $3,000, in a cargo container transiting through Miami from Ontario, Canada to Trinidad and Tobago.
Shopping carts? Was this a test run for something larger? I know what you're thinking, "Something larger and more valuable than shopping carts? What
could that possibly even be?" I know, I know, I had the same thought at first. Then I remembered that one commodity more valuable than a shopping
cart... everything.
When I decided to think about it for more than five seconds (a new record!) I realized these carts are probably quite handy for transporting goods,
valuables, and supplies to keep you alive in a burned out, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I'm sure they fetch a pretty penny in Trinidan and Tobago,
someplace I'm assuming you'd need to haul stuff around a lot... But, isn't there a better way? Isn't there a way for an enterprising thief to, like,
buy them wholesale super cheap, and still make a profit? Or steal something valuable (gold bars?) and use the money to purchase the carts? Or...
anything?
I ask only out of concern for the noble art of thieving. What about your street rep? I'm sorry, but you're the saddest thief on the planet. Think
about it, there are jewel thieves out there! Guys doing backflips down zip lines and cutting holes in glass thousands of feet above street level. Guys
blasting 3-ton safes open with dynamite while wearing cool-looking ex-president masks. Guys meeting in secret for the first and last time, plotting
before a large blackboard and saying things like "you've gotta handle your end, we need those detonators!"
And here's you, grabbing a cart at a Home Depot parking lot, whistling nonchalantly as you wheel the cart towards the outer lot... then breaking into
a nervous run, hauling ass for the open van door, slamming it and collapsing in a ball of sweat as you yell "Drive!" Then repeat 29 times... Pathetic.
The stolen carts are an unusual find for officers who are accustomed to finding stolen vehicles being shipped out of seaports,” said Harold Woodward,
director of CBP field operations in Miami, “The discovery of these carts is indicative of CBP’s great efforts to stop the movement of stolen property
being imported, exported or transiting through our nation’s ports of entry.”
I don't wanna slam this organization, cause I don't know too much about them, but, man... Seriously? Don't you have better things to worry about? I
actually can't think of a less pressing concern than rampant shopping cart theft. When this popped up on your screen or radar or whatever, wouldn't it
have been a better use of your resources to look the other way? The time and energy to stop the ship, the man hours unloading and assessing and
debriefing and the time spent discussing it and calling Home Depot... isn't it fair to say it adds up to more than 3 grand?
Or, at the very least, this is the kinda thing you should be covering up. The fact that an idiot like me hears about this and gets to mouth off online
about it, is a bad sign for the state of your organization... Wow, I guess I did want to slam them...
Shopping cart theft is an ongoing problem usually associated with dense neighborhoods where patrons walk to and from a store, taking carts for
convenience or where others steal them for illegal profit or personal use. Shopping carts stolen from private property create numerous problems in
communities, where they become an eyesore or are damaged beyond repair.
Huge, huge problem...
The Home Depot is pleased to be able to partner with and benefit from the great work that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency is doing,”
said Anne Manning, a Home Depot spokeswoman.
Seriously, shut the fuck up, Home Depot, nobody cares what you think and nobody needed your take on this story. I'll call you when I need a 4x8 of
pine and a shitty brass lamp.
The carts, which belong to Home Depot, will be returned to the company after being processed by U.S. Customs and Border Protection and the Miami-Dade
Police Department.
For the price of a million dollars! And, ahh yes, mustn't forget, you gotta process them...
This story actually concludes with an un-ironic explanation of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency's responsiblitites.
U.S. Customs and Border Protection is the unified border agency within the Department of Homeland Security charged with the management, control and
protection of the nation’s borders at and between the official ports of entry. CBP is charged with keeping terrorists and terrorist weapons out of the
country while enforcing hundreds of U.S. laws
And shopping carts. I gues the order of priority would be: terrorists, then shopping carts, then terrorist weapons.
Discipline - 11-6-2007 at 06:31 PM
Bubbles strikes again!
DAK - 11-6-2007 at 06:50 PM
Season 4 come out in December.
Season 4 come out in December.
Six66Mike - 11-6-2007 at 08:11 PM
Season 4? I got 1-5 on DVD already and 7 aired this year lol.