XHonusWagnerX
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Keith Morris Containes Uranium and Arsenic
WE ANALYZED KEITH MORRIS’S DREADLOCK
It Contained Uranium and Arsenic
Published May, 2011
BY VICE STAFF
They say eyes are the windows to the soul, in which case your hair is what? The roof? Like a roof, your hair is important but something that most of
us hardly ever think about beyond its outward appearance. If you don’t take care of it, it will rapidly be tangled with gunk and tennis balls and dead
birds. Take Keith Morris, former Black Flag vocalist and frontman for the Circle Jerks and the recently formed OFF! He’s been growing his dreadlocks
in a variety of configurations for almost 23 years, and they now look like something that was snaked out of a gutter after a particularly bad
rainstorm.
This is why, after pondering the cornucopia of disgusting junk that might be found in Keith’s keratin helmet, we asked him and his fellow OFF!
bandmates (who would serve as a control group, of course) to send us at least three grams of their locks. The plan was to mail the samples to a lab in
Texas that specializes in “Hair Tissue Mineral Analysis.” This not-exactly medically approved hair test determines which vitamins and minerals an
individual is lacking and how many hazardous metals are constantly being pushed through his or her scalp. We thought it’d be a good alternative to a
normal music feature, because writing about bands is usually about as interesting as taking a shit in your shoe and walking around the block.
The next time we heard from them, they told us that not everyone was into it. Initially, we figured it was Keith who was uncomfortable with the idea
because he felt singled out due to the situation on his head. But for the record, we must state that Dimitri Coats, Steven Shane McDonald, and Mario
Rubalcaba—three supposed punks who between them were in Burning Brides, Redd Kross, and Rocket From the Crypt—were, for whatever reason, scared of
having their precious manes inspected by weirdo pseudoscientists in Texas. Keith, however, was totally game and immediately FedExed us a little furry
cigar.
For science’s sake, and because the rest of the band declined to participate, we tested three other samples alongside Keith’s: a black guy’s dread,
some ginger strands from one of our photographer buddies, and a bunch of clippings we stole off the floor of a barbershop. After about a week, the lab
sent us back pages of charts and graphs that we did our best to process and summarize into language that someone would actually want to read.
KEITH MORRIS
The first thing we noticed about Keith’s results was that there’s a ton of uranium in his hair. The report said that this isn’t the type of uranium
that turns people into superheroes or kills them, but we’re still a little worried for him because it’s fucking uranium. He also had a bunch of
arsenic in his mane, but curiously the report focused more on his apparent excess of copper, which can have an “antagonistic effect on zinc.” High
concentrations of copper, the report warns, have also been associated with hair loss. Maybe Keith knows this, and that’s why he’s let his coiffure mat
and clump for maximum coverage. The 25-page analysis also includes a chart marked “Tendencies” that lists ailments Keith should expect to experience
unless he shifts his day-to-day habits toward metabolic optimization. In Keith’s case, he could suffer from depression and unnamed allergy symptoms,
which doesn’t sound that bad considering he’s walking around with the Fukushima reactor on his head. In fact, Keith’s hair was probably the healthiest
overall.
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:J-w6hCi...
| Quote: | Originally posted by REV.PAULIE
HONUS-as much as i can't stand a great deal of what you really like (for my own reasons that i would never hold,nor impose,against you),YOU FUCKING
RULE!
YOU,HONUS,IS WHAT MAKES THE "EDGE" COOL.
YOUR FRIEND,
PAULIE |
check out my post contributions at www.VinylNoize.com
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Johnny_Whistle
Senior Member
Posts: 741
Registered: 5-26-2010
Location: Location, Location
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Mood: the voices
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| Quote: | | copper, which can have an “antagonistic effect on zinc.” |
Yeah, those two have hated each other for years. I bet they don't even remember what they're fighting about anymore.
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