| Pages:
1
2 |
BDx13
|
|
Bring the jokes!
LITTLE STEPHEN ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little STEPHEN says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little STEPHEN replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
|
|
|
BDx13
|
|
LITTLE STEPHEN ON ENGLISH
Little STEPHEN goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word ?"
STEPHEN says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little STEPHEN, that's a mouthful."
Little STEPHEN says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE STEPHEN ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little STEPHEN.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"
LITTLE STEPHEN ON GETTING OLDER
Little STEPHEN was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."
Little STEPHEN replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little STEPHEN answered, "No, he minded his own fuckin? business."
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
|
|
|
moron
Posting Freak
Posts: 2393
Registered: 5-28-2003
Location: CT
Member Is Offline
|
|
those made me think of this one...
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
|
|
|
BDx13
|
|
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year,and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
|
|
|
godabandonedme
Senior Member
Posts: 758
Registered: 2-1-2005
Location: Philadelphia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Darkbuster
|
|
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He took a look at his gas bill.
|
|
|
BDx13
|
|
The Lie-Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
|
|
|
newbreedbrian
Posting Freak
Posts: 2616
Registered: 9-2-2004
Location: Hell
Member Is Offline
Mood: doc watson
|
|
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ?You know, I want to set those people over there on
fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.? George Carlin
|
|
|
BDx13
|
|
A 17 year-old tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.
The test is positive.
Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."
He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and
a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..."
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
|
|
|
Terror Aesthetic
Member
Posts: 273
Registered: 9-26-2005
Location: north carolina
Member Is Offline
Mood: bright eyes felching weakertha
|
|
whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
the pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.
why cant black kids play in the sandbox?
because the cats keep covering them up.
what do you call the useless piece of meat around a pussy?
woman.
whats the difference between a homosexual man and a refridgerator?
the refridgerator doesnt fart when you pull the meat out.
sorry if ive offended any sensitive readers by my lack of straight, white male jokes but i just dont know any. "white people smell like wet dog"
doesnt really qualify as a joke. neither does the story about us being albino genetic mutants with recessive genes created by a mad scientist with a
big head named yakub on the island of patmos... just dont know any good ones. of course the mighty aryan is above reproach so.....damn somebody teach
me some cracker jokes.
he\'s dead jim - that dumb fucking show
|
|
|
Terror Aesthetic
Member
Posts: 273
Registered: 9-26-2005
Location: north carolina
Member Is Offline
Mood: bright eyes felching weakertha
|
|
a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.
he orders a few shots and gets up to leave.
the bartender says "hey you cant just leave that lyin here" to which the giraffe replies
"im a giraffe asshole not a fuckin lion"
old guy is sitting in a bar minding his own when a scantilly clad woman approaches and asks him "super pussy?"
the old guy sits there a second in deep contemplation and replies
"soup please"
knock knock
whos there?
interrupting cow
interrupting co...
mooooooooo
somebody is fantasizing about punching me in the mouth right now for that one.
he\'s dead jim - that dumb fucking show
|
|
|
thedog
Posting Freak
Posts: 1572
Registered: 5-14-2004
Location: Jersey
Member Is Offline
Mood: Deals Gone Bad
|
|
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss one in the air, and then catch it in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper.
His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out. The young man toldthe father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and
the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's wonderful - isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied,
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
\"thank you very little\"
|
|
|
beaner
Member
Posts: 381
Registered: 9-11-2005
Member Is Offline
Mood: my kids chattin away.
|
|
a little lad is shagging his sister and says "your a better fuck than my mum!" then she says "yeah i know, my dad said so"
|
|
|
beaner
Member
Posts: 381
Registered: 9-11-2005
Member Is Offline
Mood: my kids chattin away.
|
|
this bloke comes home and says to his wife "come on, pack your bags, we've won the lottery!" she says "well what have i to pack, something lite or
something heavy?" bloke says "no, just pack up and fuck off!"
|
|
|
beaner
Member
Posts: 381
Registered: 9-11-2005
Member Is Offline
Mood: my kids chattin away.
|
|
whats the differance between an egg and a wank?
you can beat an egg but you cant beat a wank!
|
|
|
Terror Aesthetic
Member
Posts: 273
Registered: 9-26-2005
Location: north carolina
Member Is Offline
Mood: bright eyes felching weakertha
|
|
a neutron walks into a bar
the bartender looks at him and says
for you...no charge
i got worse ones.
he\'s dead jim - that dumb fucking show
|
|
|
Terror Aesthetic
Member
Posts: 273
Registered: 9-26-2005
Location: north carolina
Member Is Offline
Mood: bright eyes felching weakertha
|
|
whats the difference between a sin and shame?
it a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
he\'s dead jim - that dumb fucking show
|
|
|
Terror Aesthetic
Member
Posts: 273
Registered: 9-26-2005
Location: north carolina
Member Is Offline
Mood: bright eyes felching weakertha
|
|
not so much a joke as a valuable life lesson....
a guys in a bus station and goes into the men's room to piss. when he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick hes ever seen. while
he pisses he cant avoid spying on the giant member of this little fucker dressed in green. leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a
real leprechaun.
the little man says "Aye me boy im a leprechaun and i can grant you three wishes."
"oh neat" comes the reply "what do i need to do?"
"well havin such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies the thing not fittin and all... ill grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't
mind suckin me dick until i come" the man is a bit taken aback but agrees because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. after the green
man has come he starts to walk away.
the guy says "hey what about my three wishes?" the leprechaun asks "how old are you me boy?"
"25" he says.
"aren't you a bit too old to still be believin in leprechauns?"
erin go braugh!!!!!!
he\'s dead jim - that dumb fucking show
|
|
|
moron
Posting Freak
Posts: 2393
Registered: 5-28-2003
Location: CT
Member Is Offline
|
|
oh man. that peanut one got me.
|
|
|
tireironsaint
* BANNED *
Posts: 4299
Registered: 5-14-2003
Location: Colorado
Member Is Offline
Mood: Beltones
|
|
Did you hear about the new Kurt Cobain Beer?
Its really bitter and has little or no head
Veritas odium parit
|
|
|
tireironsaint
* BANNED *
Posts: 4299
Registered: 5-14-2003
Location: Colorado
Member Is Offline
Mood: Beltones
|
|
Donald Rumsfeld is giving president Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaims "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Veritas odium parit
|
|
|
tireironsaint
* BANNED *
Posts: 4299
Registered: 5-14-2003
Location: Colorado
Member Is Offline
Mood: Beltones
|
|
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for
an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a tragedy".
" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a
friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".
Veritas odium parit
|
|
|
moron
Posting Freak
Posts: 2393
Registered: 5-28-2003
Location: CT
Member Is Offline
|
|
just got this one in an email. I thought it was kinda funny.
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surelystretch, until it's about 6 feet wide.."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face ............... PRICELESS
|
|
|
moforn
Senior Member
Posts: 525
Registered: 7-13-2004
Location: Toronto
Member Is Offline
|
|
How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your penis on the curtains.
|
|
|
Spoiler
Posting Freak
Posts: 1899
Registered: 4-23-2005
Member Is Offline
Mood: All that scene philosophy never meant a goddamned thing to me
|
|
guy runs into a bar and tells the bartender "hurry,pour me ten drafts as fast as you can"
the bartender starts pouring and the guy drinks them down as fast as he can.
The bartender asks "whats the big hurry fella ?"
the guy says "if you had what I had you'd be in a hurry too"
the bartender steps back and asks "What do you have"
the guy replies "about 75 cents"
|
|
|
Mark Lind
Posting Freak
Posts: 1900
Registered: 9-18-2004
Member Is Offline
|
|
Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he can hide in the cherry tree.
Q: So what's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: The giraffe eating cherries
Q: What's white and goes up?
A: A retard snowflake.
Q: What's black and white and has a dirty name?
A: Sister Mary Fuckface
|
|
|
| Pages:
1
2 |
![[*]](images/thorp/default_icon.gif){kind=icon}
