BDx13
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NYC Craigslist: To The Hipster Who Slammed His Bicycle Into My Car - 28 (Hipsterville)
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/925630332.html
Reply to: pers-925630332@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 12:57PM EST
Yesterday, about 11;30 am in Bushwick, about two blocks from the Halsey street stop on the L.
So here I am minding my own business, driving back home to the Island from an appointment.
And here you come, on you “vintage” bike, with a pretty little scarf around your neck and tight adorable little girl pants, white ipod earphones
firmly implanted in your ears. You are not looking around too much I assume, as you ignore the fact that YOU have a red light and proceed to do a full
frontal collision with my vehicle.
Shit. I pull over and get out like a good Samaritan I am. Yeah it’s about lunch time and I jus drove for an hour and a half each way just to have an
hour meeting and haven’t eaten since 8 am. But I’m nice like that, I get out and ask you if you are ok and if I need to start calling an ambulance.
Here’s where shit gets f-ed up. Instead of grabbing the hand I offered to help you up, you jump up and punch in the forehead. What the hell? And it
just gets worse from here. You must have mistaken my utter frozen expression of amazement as weakness and proceeded to follow it up with something
even dumber. You hit me AGAIN, in the shoulder this time and bust out with this line of “You fucking white trash piece of shit you hit my bike I’m
going to kick the crap out of you, you fucking redneck”.
Now, I’m not a violent man, I’m too old for that, I’m nearing 30. I operate my own company, which is WHY I was out in the middle of the day going
through your shitty neighborhood. And kid, I used to LIVE there, which is why I took the detour to come check out what has happened to my old stomping
grounds. Needless to say, you idiot Midwesterner emasculated metrosexual jerkoffs moved in and opened up a coffee shop and what used to be a goddamn
CHOP SHOP. What idiot would spend time in an old car shop in the ghetto, don’t you mongoloids know anything about toxic fumes? So I was already a in a
bad mood, and you just caught me at a perfect time.
So I started hitting you. A lot. And possibly kicking you, I don’t know, it got a little blurry for a bit there. And at one time I might have picked
you up and tossed you against those old NYPD/NYFD call stations.
Then you started crying like a little fag hipster bitch that you are. I’m not blaming you for that, it looked like it really hurt, man. But what gives
you even the slightest IDEA that a guy who has 80+ lbs on you and at least 8+ years, has long hair down to his ass, wearing a flight jacket and combat
boots is going to let you hit him? You are 110 lbs MAX and 6 foot tall. I’m 5’10 and a good 180 lbs and I eat my meat and protein before hitting the
gym, so I’m obviously even visually MUCH bigger then you. Is it your height, which would explain why you would punch me in the forehead (which
incidentally doesn’t hurt, in case you ever grow the balls to get in a fight with a man again)? Or was in the fact that I was wearing glasses, which I
looked for after they fell off in my rage of boots bouncing off your head? Next time you pick a fight, make sure it’s with one of your own kind, the
self-loathing socially-awkward losers who pretend they have actually read Nietzsche and Dostoevsky and understood them (I hear they don’t actually
TEACH anything other then finger-painting at art school though).
And then you, while spitting out bloody mucus (I didn’t hit you all that hard, bitch, I’ve been fucked up worse in moshpits by friends back in the
day) you call to the crack dealers who were watching your beatdown to call the cops.
See there’s stupid here on two different levels. First of all, you calling for negros slinging rock on the corner to call the cops? You slow or
something? Secondly, while before I was turning away and walking back to my car to go get a Cuban sammich from the place I remember not to far from
years ago, now I whipped around twice as pisses and did something I *almost* feel bad about. I snatched the cell phone from your hand and smashed it
on the sidewalk with my boot. I probably should have sold your little iphone toy and paid off my electric bill, but fuck it, I’ll work an extra hour
or two to make up for it, the pleasure of knowing you cant call anyone to complain is just too much fun.
And you asking the chulo walking by to help you? Not too smart either, his poor broke border-hopping ass just got here last year and then your kind
move in and his rent goes up. He ain’t going to help you, idiot, he wants you OUT of his hood. But yeah, he probably does speak English, but you
screaming that a Nazi is beating on you isn’t going to sway him. Nor the black brothas who are still laughing at you and watching their mid-day
entertainment of cracka-on-cracka violence.
So here’s the moral of this story, you ironic-shirt wearing, rent-raising, liberal hippy Midwestern piece of shit wanna-be artist. People like me, who
grew up in NYC, are and will always be able to whoop your ass. Sure, I wasn’t BORN in this city, I came here as a child from a shitty cold war-era
soviet country and grew up in the Bronx, with meanest machete-wielding blackity-black crack-heads on one side and angriest drunkest Irish skinheads on
the other of me. Don’t hit a guy who offers you a hand of help, I’m going to do a fucking jig on your skull, boy.
And learn this lesson, kid, I am superior to you not just by the virtue of my rugged good looks, oozing machismo and not living off mommy and daddy
like you do, but by the fact that I AM OPERATING A COMBUSTIBLE ENGINE VEHICLE MADE OF TONS OF STEEL. Car wins over a bike, you were THIS close from me
killing you, doofus.
And as a side note, what sort of idiot wears an election t-shirt after the election? Yes I know you love your precious Obama, but the dude won, no
need to display your zombie-like allegiance to a candidate WEEKS after it’s over.
And if you plan on filing a police report, I already called it into my insurance company and have the claim #, you owe me $700+ in bumper replacement.
But I feel bad taking all my frustrations of the day out on you, since you need a new phone, new bike, whatever was in your messenger bag that I heard
crunch when I jumped on it and have at least two broken teeth that I saw you spit out. So here’s the deal: I have a garage full of older bikes in
pretty good shape (I pick them out of the trash and donate them to abandoned children charities, stuff you don’t care about). I’m willing to part with
one of them so you can get to your art gallery “gig” and make a few bucks for roofies so you can rape that fat short-haired lumpy-looking vegan
hipster girl at the rooftop party you’ll be attending every night this week in Williamsburg.
I’ll be at the Agnostic Front show this Sunday at the Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale (That’s on Long Island, shit exists outside of Brooklyn and LES, go
look into it). I’ll throw a bike into the back of my car for ya.
Send me a pic and I’ll send you mine so we know to look for each other. Just come and say hello at the show and we’ll work it out, bro.
- Your New Friend
P.S. I accidentally picked up an ipod too that day, which is strange because I never owned one. Bunch of crappy emo music on it, so erased it all and
uploaded some Judas Priest, Venom and Slayer onto it. If you ask nicely you can have it back.
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
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clevohardcore
* Kick\'n ass on the wild side *
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Mood: Sick Of It All, Youth Of Today
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wow. I read that. Entertaining.
Each aspect of the soul has it's own part to play, but the ideal is harmonious agreement with reason and control.
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franklo
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Registered: 8-26-2008
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Fuck that sounds like portland!I love this city but the hipsters make me wanna to vommit. Fightback!
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Discipline
* DRUNKEN MONKEY *
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Great story. I've had more than a couple of altercations like that.
‘Do you know what a love letter is? It’s a bullet from a fucking gun. Straight through your heart.’
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joemaconmovies
Posting Freak
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i like wearing a scarf. does that make me some hipster emo fag?
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Mark Lind
Posting Freak
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I love how the wording is kind of weird and then we learn that he's from the Soviet Union area. haha
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random
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Though fantastic from start to finish, this was my favorite part...
| Quote: | Originally posted by BD
And if you plan on filing a police report, I already called it into my insurance company and have the claim #, you owe me $700+ in bumper replacement.
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SS76
Posting Freak
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| Quote: | Originally posted by joemaconmovies
i like wearing a scarf. does that make me some hipster emo fag? |
if it has Victory or a penis embroidered on it, yes. If not, you're probably okay. I've never worn a scarf, but the hipster might stick.Better hipster
than gangster I guess.
Silence is golden but violence is platinum. |
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joemaconmovies
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Shootingscars
| Quote: | Originally posted by joemaconmovies
i like wearing a scarf. does that make me some hipster emo fag? |
if it has Victory or a penis embroidered on it, yes. If not, you're probably okay. I've never worn a scarf, but the hipster might stick.Better hipster
than gangster I guess. |
there's no victory or penises embroidered on my scarves. i'd like to think that i'm ok.
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CR83
Moderator
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Can this guy come live in my basement? I bet he is one entertaining motherfucker.
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joemaconmovies
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| Quote: | Originally posted by CR83
Can this guy come live in my basement? I bet he is one entertaining motherfucker. |
hahahaha
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Siczine.com
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Why would he take the Ipod and not the Iphone? If you're going to take one, why not the other?
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tireironsaint
* BANNED *
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This is fucking priceless.
Veritas odium parit
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joemaconmovies
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Siczine.com
Why would he take the Ipod and not the Iphone? If you're going to take one, why not the other? |
i thought he broke it or something like that
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MikeFromInhuman
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I was at the AF show last night, Roger asked for the dude to come up 3 times and no go 
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BDx13
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HA HA HA!!
can't say i blame him, though.
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
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morgan
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That read made my morning.
Support the arts, shoot a rapper.
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thedog
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hilarious.
\"thank you very little\"
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DaveMoral
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Amazing. Astonishing. Entertaining.
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