XHonusWagnerX
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Posts: 12509
Registered: 7-14-2005
Location: pawtucket
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The ten geekiest hobbies
Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
The ten geekiest hobbies
10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on
the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems
between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size
smoothbore turret and the Hulk?s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn?t loudly complaining
about something, check carefully ? you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you?re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto?s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it?s going to be a long, uphill battle to then
have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie?s version of Magneto?s hat will make having sex with it
even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
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9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren?t enough for
them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It?s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if
you play this game, you?re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren?t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there?s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying,
?A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name?s Twinkleberry, The
Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.?
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a
wrap-around dragon and flames.
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8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble
shouting, ?Are we having fun yet!? Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes
are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first
book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You?ll know these people because they?re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or
soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people?s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY?RE AN ATM!
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7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore.
Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their
special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, ?Shorshenblorg
borshchortle!?
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn?t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and
from this point on the sentence is moot since you won?t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic
space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn?t
like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents
them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory
I?ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last
theory, ?Wouldn?t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?? went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a
blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
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6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren?t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with
its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner?s
Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don?t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the
same message by just wearing a sign reading, ?I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.? To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add
the word ?Blah!? at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you
while you?re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it?s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people
jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don?t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can
lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human
remains dripping from their mouths. One way I?ve found to make sure they?re real vampires is to scream, ?Skeletor!? and see if they cheer in
agreement.
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5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal
masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man?s face who?s just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon
cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman?s vagina contains no defending
dragon harpies. Ha ha, that?s one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.
Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick
layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.
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4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you?ve ever known anyone
that?s played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to
themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might
have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one?s inter-gender social
skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they?re
secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that?s a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard
warriors killing hobbits.
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3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala
bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there?s some bastard
singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh,
though, there?s almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it?s true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of
beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it?s either a Star Trek
enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it?s your duty as a human to smash it.
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2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their
costume. If that?s tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot?s leg. Plushies have a
similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I?m sure
you?ve heard of these people; they?re the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can?t say no. And as for the furries, they don?t seem to be picky about
who they mount. Maybe because they?re ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because
everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who?s with me, how do you not [Censor?s note: you really didn?t want to read this part we cut] all
the way into its chicken hole!?
Distinguishing Characteristics: You?ll know furries and plushies because they?ll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy
bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.
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1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd?s parent?s worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These
people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the
participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it?s like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them
weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom?s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your
genitals behind.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it?s impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way
to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it?s already too late.
www.thewavemag.com/printarticle.php?articleid=24184
| Quote: | Originally posted by REV.PAULIE
HONUS-as much as i can't stand a great deal of what you really like (for my own reasons that i would never hold,nor impose,against you),YOU FUCKING
RULE!
YOU,HONUS,IS WHAT MAKES THE "EDGE" COOL.
YOUR FRIEND,
PAULIE |
check out my post contributions at www.VinylNoize.com
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upyerbum
Posting Freak
Posts: 3226
Registered: 10-14-2005
Location: Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Condemned 84
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I don't know where this falls, but I used to play (not so much anymore) table top war games like Warhammer 40000. My buddy runs a comic book store,
but he's probably one of the baddest motherfuckers in town. We rib him and call him Comic-book Guy.
Well, its this place where nobody works, and the pigs don\'t give you any shit. Everyone smokes weed and gets drunk all day. Its a place where
cunts like me and you can truly take it easy and relax. Know what I mean?
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newbreedbrian
Posting Freak
Posts: 2616
Registered: 9-2-2004
Location: Hell
Member Is Offline
Mood: doc watson
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he's also hardly your typical comic book guy huh jeff? 
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ?You know, I want to set those people over there on
fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.? George Carlin
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upyerbum
Posting Freak
Posts: 3226
Registered: 10-14-2005
Location: Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Condemned 84
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Thats why its so funny.
Well, its this place where nobody works, and the pigs don\'t give you any shit. Everyone smokes weed and gets drunk all day. Its a place where
cunts like me and you can truly take it easy and relax. Know what I mean?
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Killthehumans
Senior Member
Posts: 597
Registered: 12-1-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: simon and garfunkal
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out of those things i do 10, 9,7, and 3....the rest are just wierd 
just take a look at the papers
your leaders
they\'re killers
they\'re liars
what they do in your
name to make the bodies pile higher
the murders, the terror
they\'ve done it forever
as we sit band and smile
at the script they sell us
but now the victims, they\'re rising
their numbers\'s multiplying
they want their revenge for the years
that they\'ve been dying
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Dave
Posting Freak
Posts: 3281
Registered: 4-6-2003
Location: Halifax
Member Is Offline
Mood: .......
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I only do #10
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moforn
Senior Member
Posts: 525
Registered: 7-13-2004
Location: Toronto
Member Is Offline
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I was waiting for you to weigh in Dave...
On topic- nerds vs. punks
edit- I didn't realize this had already been posted, I found it on a Volkswagen site
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BDx13
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out of those things, i do none.
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
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jonnynewbreed
Posting Freak
Posts: 1091
Registered: 4-4-2003
Location: Dartmouth, nova scotia
Member Is Offline
Mood: Quite nice actually.
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what about posting on message boards?
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BDx13
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that i do.
it's probably #11.
If I fail math, there goes my chance at a good job and a happy life full of hard work.
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